Four years, what a huge difference in life and love have we had since this little one came into the world four years ago. I often say she is so intellectual and I think that the year of four is a whole lot of growth waiting to be seen. We have gotten glimpses if this growth in the way she carries her not so toddler sized little body, the way she speaks when she tells a joke and the simple glances she gives to read social cues. It is in these moments, these times of celebration that our hearts move into two directions at once- fear, grief and sadness while simultaneously feeling happiness, joy and pride.
I have decided to radically accept these emotions and allow them to permeate my body. A strong rush, a wave of fear, sadness and grief overtake my body and I breathe through this painful wave... simple thoughts enter and exit my mind:
"how is it only recently that I've given birth and now she is four?"
"how have I failed her as a mother, over and over again?"
"can't I just fix all of her past for her and make her new again and take away any pain she's experienced?""will she still be my baby even though she's four years old?"
"what if she doesn't like me or want me as she grows older?"
and I accept these thoughts with no judgement. I breathe through the waves as they consume my body over and over again- much like the contractions did four years ago.
It was through that pain, that fear, sadness and grief that I experienced an insurmountable happiness, joy, pride. Feeling the waves of happiness, joy and pride can sometimes be more difficult for me than feeling true joy. I work it in my mind- that joy has a place here today, in the celebration of my daughter, in the growth of our family and in the ways I've become a mother. I allow the thoughts to enter and exit my mind with no judgement:
"I carried this body, gave birth to it and have now empowered it to live it's own life."
"I have a daughter, a little person who expresses that she loves me."
'I've cared for and comforted, clothed and adored this little human."
"I am devoted to my daughter and I enjoy her presence."
I have found strength in riding the waves of emotion that come with change both in childhood and motherhood. It is through this experience that I know this to be true- no matter the year, the day or the hour, this child will always be my beloved and a loved by so many around her. I feel so inspired and empowered to create an atmosphere of growth, confidence and empathy for this girl throughout her life transitions.